How Instagram notifications made my breakup even more unbearable

LONDON — I’m sitting in a packed theatre on the opening night of a sellout production. It’s a night I’ve been looking forward to for months, but right now I’m more interested in my phone.

While everyone around me chatters excitedly before the play starts, I’m silently staring at Instagram, but it’s not what you think.

I tap the word “following” at the top of my notifications tab and I’m taken to a page that tells me what my friends have liked. And, more specifically, what my ex-boyfriend has liked. 

My heart’s in my mouth as my eyes flit about the screen, trying to take everything in. Just a few words on a screen have confirmed what I’ve been dreading: that my ex has moved on.

Seconds later, the curtain rises, the lights dim and the play begins; but my thoughts are elsewhere. 

For the next three and a half hours, I’m oblivious to the scene in front of me. My mind is playing out the story of my ex and his new girlfriend as I blink back tears.

Instagram’s notifications section is usually a pretty innocuous feature. When set to “you,” it tells you who’s liked your photos, who’s commented and who’s followed you. 

If you flip to the “following” tab, you can find out what the people you’re following have liked. 

Most of the time, this feature is pretty uneventful. It will mostly tell you which of your cousins has liked a dozen cat photos, or which of your friends is most obsessed with avocados. 

But, this feature that can also offer some revealing insights into what your lover, your ex-lover or your love interest is getting up to.

In the throes of a painful breakup, I decided to check the “following” section of Instagram to see if I could gain any kind of insight into what my ex was getting up to. I — like so many other people during breakups — wanted to know if he was as sad as I was; if he was carrying on regardless; or if he had moved on completely. 

I checked periodically at first, and then the urge became greater. I kept seeing the same name appearing over and over next to his. A name I’d never heard him mention before when talking about friends or family. 

The more often her name appeared in the “following” section, the more frequent my visits to that feed became. 

Instagram notifications can spell disaster when you’re going through a distressing breakup.

Each time I saw her name, the blood would rush to my face, my heart rate would quicken, and a feeling of sickening jealousy came over me. I hated what I saw, but I told myself I needed to see it. 

That final visit to the feed as I sat in the crowded theatre told me that my ex had commented on the girl in question’s selfie with a kissing emoji. A further few clicks showed me more comments, more likes, and more emoji that had been passed between the two.

Although I believed this information would help me, research suggests that it could have made my breakup worse than it needed to be. 

Researchers labelled this type of behaviour “interpersonal electronic surveillance,” a.k.a. social media stalking. 

I had before me what looked like the beginnings of a budding relationship. 

In a recent study published in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, researchers labelled this type of behaviour “interpersonal electronic surveillance,” a.k.a. social media stalking. Researchers explored the impact of “online surveillance after relationship termination” and found that seeing exes flirting over social media actually makes it harder for people to get over their relationships. 

Dating and relationship expert James Preece says that repeatedly checking your Instagram following tab isn’t just a breakup thing; people in healthy relationships do it too. 

“The problem with this is that it can really feed paranoia. Even if you are in a great relationship, if you like the wrong type of Instagram post then it can raise alarm bells. [Your partner] will wonder what you are up to and what your motivations might be,” Preece told Mashable. 

Preece says that if your partner keeps liking certain people’s posts, then you shouldn’t be afraid to question their actions. But — he says — there could be a completely innocent explanation behind it. 

“If you are experiencing a breakup then it’s even harder. You’ll watch every single like and get more and more jealous. The best thing to do during a breakup is to take a break from social media,” Preece continued. 

Student Kylie Hill from North Carolina thinks that incessant checking of Instagram’s “following” notifications can be harmful for relationships, but it also helped her discover a boyfriend’s cheating.

“I used to check it all the time just to see what my boyfriend was doing,” Hill told Mashable. 

“One time I was dating someone and I found out he had another girlfriend just by the pictures the was liking [on Instagram] so I went on the girl’s page and saw that they had been dating for a while,” Hill continued. 

She’s not the only person to have unearthed a partner’s secret through this feature.

Ishita Ranjan — a marketing manager from London — found out that her boyfriend was in a relationship with someone else by checking the following tab. 

“It made me feel sick to my stomach.”

“He told me he’d been to a wildlife park with a friend. Then I noticed on Instagram’s following page that a friend had liked a photo of a girl at the same wildlife park,” Ranjan told Mashable.

When Ranjan clicked on her profile, she saw that the two had been to the wildlife park together. It took a further 30 seconds to realise that they were in fact in a relationship. 

“It made me feel sick to my stomach,” Ranjan continued.

Instagram became Ranjan’s source for finding out what her boyfriend wasn’t telling her. 

“I trusted Instagram more than him,” she continued. 

Whether you’re in the middle of a breakup, or you’re worried about what your partner is getting up to, Instagram notifications can offer an insight that might be otherwise unavailable to you. 

“I trusted Instagram more than him.”

In my experience, the “following” tab made my breakup even more painful than it needed to be, but it also told me what I needed to know: That I too should be moving on. The moment I got confirmation of his moving on, I knew that things between us were 100% over, and I was free to continue with my life.

Nonetheless, it’s an experience I don’t wish to repeat, and since that breakup I’ve refrained from looking at that section of the app. Yes, this app could confirm a partner’s cheating, but it’s important to remember that Instagram ‘likes’ are often be totally meaningless.

In short, use this feature sparingly: It can be a deal-breaker or a disaster. 

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